Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Cupcakes: I still do not understand them

Honestly. Please. I won't make fun. Someone just let me in on the joke. At the risk of sounding too Seinfeldian, what is the deal with cupcakes?

I don't mean the actual cupcakes. I get that. Although I am not myself fond of them, I get them. They are cute little things you can decorate, and they are like an adorable little miniature cake you can eat all by yourself. What I mean is, they seem to have transcended that and become a "thing". There are events like the Third Annual Macy's Decorate-A-Cupcake-With-Replicas-Of-Your-Favorite-WWII-Battle Marathon To Fight Crohn's Disease. There are at least ten TV shows about cupcakes. Are there TV shows about salads? There are not TV shows about salads.

See, usually, I am pretty good at this. When cigars stopped being objects that guys named Mappy smoked at the dog track and became a "thing", it didn't take me long to figure it out. Cigars are big phallic symbols, and they cost a lot more than they're worth, and they annoy everyone around you, and they involve the subjugation of brown people. Easy. They're just another status symbol for rich white dudes or wannabe rich white dudes. Cigar Aficionado magazine is best thought of as I Enjoy Being a Privileged Shit Monthly. And that's fine.

It took me longer to figure out wine, because first, it makes me sick, and second, it can be difficult to parse the various complexities of liquor snobbery. The thing I couldn't wrap my head around wasn't the expense -- I had encountered the same issues with Scotch, where rich dipshits would pay two grand for a bottle of something that should never, ever cost more than $50-$75. What I couldn't figure out was all this highfalutin bafflegab from oenophiles and pseudo-sommeliers about how this or that wine contained a dandelion overtone, or a heady nose of caramel and peach tea, or a distinctive aftertaste of Mongolian gorse. Because, see, there is nothing in wine except grapes. Nobody ever eats a grape and says it has a flavor reminiscent of oily kestrel feathers. Once it was finally explained to me scientifically, though, I got it: wine snobbery is just a way to sound pretentious and justify spending a lot of money while still getting hobo-drunk. And that's fine too.

But I just don't get cupcakes. Someone explain them to me. Please.
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  • Why am I still doing this?

    #16. DJ AAK: Hey, new premise: let's get jobs! THE INTERNET: Vayner, an aspiring investment banker, sent a video titled "Impossible is…

  • You're all participating in a great experiment

    #11. DJ AAK: Enough of these comical fish-out-of-water assimilation scenarios. We need to get started on the mission. MC BOY: I'M ON A…

  • More of it

    #6. DJ AAK: All right, bitch, we need to culturally assimilate. MC BOY: HOW COME FOR YOU CALL ME A BITCH WHEN YOU ARE THE LADY AND I AM A…