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Troll Talk

By the way, in case you missed them when I posted them elsewhere, here are Big Leo's Trolling Tips, to help you be a more and better troll. I am just trying to help you get the most out of all those hours you folks spend on the internet trying to get strangers to be mad at you. (Placed here for long-term storage, to keep it from being lost in the Short Attention Span Theatre that is Twitter.)

BIG LEO'S TROLLING TIPS:
Tip 1. Post irony-impervious stuff like "no one cares what you think" or "I can't believe you waste time doing this".

Tip 2: Threaten violence constantly. Nothing is more super-awesome than an internet tough guy.

Tip 3: If someone makes a spelling or typographical error, everything else about their opinion is rendered valueless.

Tip 4: Be a fox. Knowing a little bit about lots of things makes you smarter than someone who knows lots about one thing.

Tip 5: Your lack of patience and focus is an asset. If something on the internet isn't catering to you, it's wrong.

Tip 6: It goes without saying that art is subjective, but that doesn't mean someone who hates your favorite band isn't an idiot.

Tip 7: When faced with a 10-point response to your argument, focus on the one point that is easiest to refute. Winner=you!

Tip 8: Calling someone an 'elitist' or an 'intellectual' is an insult for which there is no comeback, unless it's you.

Tip 9: Always assume your target forgot to mention something, not that they didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Tip 10: Best thing to say: "I can't believe they PAY you to do this." I can't believe it either! Awesome, isn't it?

Tip 11: React first, then read. If the article had anything important to say, they would have put it in the title.

Tip 12: Rigor is an overrated quality. If you have to read something closely to figure it out, it wasn't worth writing.

TEN TROLL COMMANDMENTS:
I: If you think it, say it. An unspoken thought is poison to the soul.

II: Your first instinct is always the right one.

III: If something was worthwhile, you'd already know about it.

IV: Technically correct is the best kind of correct.

V: Thoughtful argument is for faggots. "Idiocracy" wasn't a satire; it was a blueprint.

VI: Everything is about politics, always.

VII: You don't have to know anything about it to hate it.

VIII: Ignorance and pedantry are both excellent weapons; there's no reason to choose just one.

IX: Happiness = reaction-time. Nine hours of trolling for two angry responses is time well spent.

X: Never apologize, even when you're wrong. ESPECIALLY when you're wrong.

Comments

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drownedinink
Aug. 17th, 2010 09:36 pm (UTC)
Threaten violence constantly. Nothing is more super-awesome than an internet tough guy.

My favorite example of this is Jeff Goldstein of "protein wisdom" fame. Not only does he physically threaten people over the Internet, but he vows to slap them in the face with his dick (which, like, totally isn't gay).
zulkey
Aug. 18th, 2010 04:36 pm (UTC)
oh I could go on and on.

How about:

Tip 13: You can assume you know everything about the author based on that one thing you just read.
eatsoylentgreen
Aug. 18th, 2010 08:10 pm (UTC)
it's also important to warn people that they are offensive to some people. Some people might be offended at that.
kudaspeaks
Aug. 18th, 2010 09:38 pm (UTC)
This post was very triggering to me. Please be more sensitive in the future and provide a warning to those like me. Thank you in advance.
(Anonymous)
Nov. 15th, 2010 05:27 pm (UTC)
That's another good one.

"Being hilariously oversensitive AND a complete jerk to everyone else are completely compatible."
( 5 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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