Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

So, up until today, the Republic jobs plan has been, essentially, to throw rolled-up balls of newspaper at the President and yell “Sucks to your jobs bill!”  But the man who brings them their evening cognac has apparently made them aware of some discontent amongst the rabble, so they took upwards of ten minutes out of their cigar bar time to craft their own bill.  I am, naturally, excited to hear all about it; being a few months away from homelessness, I am quite keen to hear about what is being proposed to help out the jobless, “giving them jobs” apparently having been taken off the table.  Here’s a brief look at the upsides and downsides of this helpful idea-bomb from the economic terrorists on the elephant side of the aisle!

  • AWESOME JOB-CREATING IDEA NUMERO UNO: Add a balanced budget amendment to the Constitution.
  • SUPER JOB-CREATING QUALITIES:  Mysterious, as the ways of God to men.
  • POSSIBLE FLAWS:  Does not seem to have the potential to create any jobs whatsoever, outside of “person who types up balanced budget amendment”, which position likely already exists.  However, balanced budget may result in arrival on Earth of magic alien pixies who create jobs with a blink of their atom visors!
  • AWESOME JOB-CREATING IDEA NUMERO DUO: Reduce the upper-class tax rate to 25%.
  • SUPER JOB-CREATING QUALITIES:  Will give super-rich people even more money, which they might use to hire people to do things!
  • POSSIBLE FLAWS:  Unfortunately, the idea that tax cuts create jobs has been discredited by almost everyone, and currently, the upper-class tax rate is at its lowest point since the 1920s and unemployment is at its highest point since the 1930s.  But maybe this time will be different!
  • AWESOME JOB-CREATING IDEA NUMERO TRIO: Reform and simplify the tax code.
  • SUPER JOB-CREATING QUALITIES:  We’re not sure what this means exactly, because the Republicans didn’t bother to explain it, but if we were a betting blog, we would guess it would result in lower taxes for big corporations and rich people.
  • POSSIBLE FLAWS:  See above.
  • SUPER JOB-CREATING QUALITIES:  Might possibly create some private-sector jobs hauling off the corpses of poor people who die because they can’t afford medical care.
  • POSSIBLE FLAWS:  Repealing “Obamacare” will actually eliminate millions of jobs, which is the opposite of creating jobs.  But, on the other hand, maybe it isn’t!
  • AWESOME JOB-CREATING IDEA NUMERO FIVE-0: Reform malpractice laws.
  • SUPER JOB-CREATING QUALITIES:  Or, to put it another way, eliminate malpractice laws.  Hey, Mr. A Doctor Crippled Me, living on your lawsuit winnings isn’t a job!
  • POSSIBLE FLAWS:  None!  It will make doctors richer, and they’ll use that money to create jobs, and…oh, wait a minute.
  • AWESOME JOB-CREATING IDEA NUMERO SIXxX-O: Eliminate the Dodd-Frank reforms passed following the economic crisis of 2008.
  • SUPER JOB-CREATING QUALITIES:  Remember before 2008?  We had jobs then!
  • POSSIBLE FLAWS:  There may not be enough of the economy left for bankers to destroy a second time.
  • AWESOME JOB-CREATING IDEA NUMERO 7EVEN-O: Introduce widespread industry deregulation.
  • SUPER JOB-CREATING QUALITIES:  Deregulation stifles job growth by forcing business owners to pay their employees a living wage and not let them fall into vats of toxic chemicals and become the Joker.
  • POSSIBLE FLAWS:  Pretty much every shitty thing that has happened in the last 20 years has been because of deregulation. But on the upside, uh…let me get back to you on this one.


Tags: essays, features, humor, personal, politics, work

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