Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Advice for Young Persons

I am a regular guy who has experienced various life events.  And as a regular guy who has experienced various life events, I will on occasion answer letters from my readers seeking advice about similar life events they may be encountering.  In a regular way.

Dear Regular Guy,

I would like to drink thirteen beers and half a bottle of cheap tequila and then involve myself in a drag-racing competition with some ethnic teens who attend my high school.  May I have your views on this matter?  Yours sincerely,

Hung Over in 1st Period Chemistry

Dear Chemist,

Do not do this.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

Should I sever my own foot with a power tool in furtherance of an insurance fraud I have concocted?  Yours truly,

Imminently Footless

Dear Foot,

No.  You should not.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

How would it be if I was to become a five-dollar whore, trading sexual favors to neighborhood lowlifes and potential serial killers and then spending the money on Air Heads candy and suchlike?  Respectfully,

I Like Nutter Butters

Dear Nut,

That would be terrible.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What is the best kind of murder/suicide?  With all of my love,

Sister’s Gotta Go

Dear Got,

I would say there is really no ‘best’ kind of murder/suicide.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What would you think if I had a number of children out of wedlock with the guy who cleans the pumps at my local mini-mart?  If it affects your decision one way or another, he is exactly twice my age.  Best wishes,

Just Wondering

Dear Just,

I think that would be insane.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What is this leaking out of my ear?  Take care,

Sticky and Kind Of Sleepy

Dear Kind,

Nothing should be leaking out of your ear.  Seek medical attention.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

Should I run out onto a nearby interstate highway naked, screaming, and wildly firing a pistol into the air?  Awaiting your response,

Trailer Park

Dear Park,

Absolutely not.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What are the proper circumstances under which a fellow should declare his romantic love for the six-year-old daughter of his neighbor?  What if it were the five-year-old son of his dentist? Your humble correspondent,

Hopelessly In Love

Dear Less,

Under no circumstances should you do either of these things.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

What is the best part of one’s body to expose repeatedly to an open flame?  Cordially,

Burning Sensation

Dear Sense,

Do not set any portion of your body on fire.

– A  Regular Guy

Dear Regular Guy,

If I am displeased with the quality of network television programming, would it be wise to take my TV and hurl it off of a freeway overpass, attempting to drive it through the windshield of an automobile passing below?  It seems like it would.  Yours in Christ,

Darn You ’2 Broke Girls’

Dear Darn,

Such a course of action would do nothing to solve your problem.

– A  Regular Guy

If you are having life events of a varied nature, and would like advice about them from a regular guy, please submit them in the comments section and I will address them as time permits.  Advice is for entertainment purposes only and it would probably be fine if you just did the opposite of what I said.  But who knows.


Tags: essays, features, humor, personal, uncategorized

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